Sorry, but I’m Back!

Hello, whoever you are! We may not know each other and I know I have been away, but make no mistake – I’ve missed you very much. I’ve been pretty busy finally experience the plague that is Covid-19 firsthand and trying to get myself out of a mental and emotional funk of sorts. The good news is I am back and better than ever!

Sometimes you have to fall a little to realize how far you’ve risen, and that’s how I would describe my last few weeks. I have fallen, forgiven, recovered, reset and rebounded to great effect. Personally, professionally and so on. I am happier than I have been in some time. It’s not that I don’t have troubles or stress at all – I’m a long way from the exotic beach of my dreams – yet I am handling everything so much better and really figuring things out in ways I have been afraid to before.

I say afraid and I mean it. I think it is important to embrace everything that we are, but fear is something I especially struggle to recognize and admit. Especially because to most, this fear may seem especially silly or tragic – totally my own doing. I have previously been afraid to admit how unique I really am in so many ways, how much I think I can do but don’t quite know how to unlock. For much of my adult life I have bounced from feeling around in the dark, to trying to accept the kinds of plans and goals that are better suited to frankly more normal people.

I mean no offense to those more typical of the population than I am – it’s ok. I even envy the normalcy, but I must admit that chasing it has done me ill as much as chasing wealth or fame might have. It’s just not me. I am the outsider inside, the architect of invisible worlds, a potential doctor for society. I want to bring the best of myself to offer the world, if only more on my terms, for the nature and impact of those terms is half of what I could offer. I want to do well by all, including myself. I want to work hard, accomplish my mission to the extent I can advance it, and then enjoy those things I enjoy most: open-ended conversation with comrades, long meanderings through nature, especially her aquatic corners. I want to muse on space and the far future. In short I feel inspired to be my best because nothing less will do.

I am here to write because I understood long before I really knew that my best talents lie in part in the luxury of language, a love for all life, and a nasty tendency to know that which others would hide or never consider. I still see that our world is in a grave kind of danger and that oddly the very peoples putting us there are us and we are our own guardian angels unactuated. I do not mean to be literally supernatural in saying this, but isn’t there something often just beyond explanation involved in inspiration. I like to think it is the mystery of those imaginations of others we haven’t sampled yet that provides this magic. We can see the results and intuit what may be beneath, but we often do not fully know and the certainty of that unknown to us is all the more gratifying because it hints at just how real and powerful it is.

I want to continue to communicate, better and farther and more meaningfully each time I do so, and I want to do it with the intention of brightening the lives of others and encouraging them then to do the same however YOUR inner light seems to move you so. And if you remain unsure where your light is or if you really have one, trust me: it’s there. It may only be a spark, but there is a reason why it is called en-LIGHT-enment. If you just try and look and listen when a brighter feeling appears in your life, no matter how small, take note of it and appreciate it and ask it gently from whence it came. By showing it that basic courtesy, which is to say yourself the courtesy, I bet in time the light within will arrive more often and more intensely if you let it. It’s ok. The thing to understand about the light is that it never truly removes the darkness. It just leaves it less lonely and cold.

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